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If there were a fire in your home and eighty percent of your belongings were burned to a crisp what would you do? Anyone in your situation would probably begin to replace what was lost. Similar to what I was experiencing, I woke up and just about everything and everyone was gone. So I did what most people in my situation would do. I began to replace the things that were missing. What I did not understand was; my attempt to fulfill my emptiness out of desperation was the absolute worst thing I could have done. I wanted to create a carbon copy of what was not there any longer.

Going back into time, that moment where the summer had just begun. With my eyes closed I remember the temperature peeking and it was the perfect beach weather. Back then you packed a bag and made your way to the nearest beach. You could smell the sea water, it was strong. Your attire consisted of a bathing suit, shorts and sandals. This made undressing easy, and as you approached the beginning part of the beach your sandals would quickly slide off.

You would clutch them in your hand while scouring the area for the perfect place to settle your step into the sand. You’d feel a small jolt of heat, because unlike you the sand had been there all day devouring the heat, unsure if the heat is causing permanent damage you immediately place the other foot in the sand. Your mind decides to pick up the pace to end the battle between your flesh and sensory system. That moment where we try to determine if the sand is as hot as we think it is. This is the only way I could describe how my relationship began with Trevor.

After meeting Trevor at the Himalaya ride in Coney Island, I started noticing him more around the neighborhood. The day came where he and I would be too close not to have a conversation. Vanessa had introduced me to some of her acquaintances when we first met. Desire in particular happened to be one of them. Desire and I had just bought lunch and we decided to go back to her house to eat and enjoy our meal. Pause. For a second.

In the early nineties the food at our local bodegas was no different than sitting in your favorite restaurant. My go to “hero” sandwich was a roast beef with provolone cheese straight off the grill with mayonnaise and garlic sauce with a bag of lays potato chips to top it off. Don’t judge me. You can also get a hot platter of rice with beans and baked chicken that would melt in your mouth. I am just saying we did not have to go far, we were able to get a great meal from the local bodega. Let’s get back to it. As we approached desire’s building I observed Trevor in the distance walking towards us. Little did I know, he was actually headed to the same place.

Desire and I got on the elevator, Trevor and his friend Mark stepped in behind us. My heart began to race really fast like an Olympic runner. I still managed to muster up a hello before Desire sparked up a conversation with them. When we arrived to the top floor we all exited the elevator. We walked in the same direction, eventually into the same apartment. Trevor was Desires’ cousin.

Apparently, Trevor’s mom had taken Desire and her sister in a few years prior. She wanted to help her sister with her kids, who was struggling with her own demons. along with his biological little brother and sister they were a family of five children. We sat in her room and began to eat while I drilled her like a homicide detective would his suspect within the first ten hours of his or her capture. By the end of that conversation, I knew I would be spending a little more time around them.

A few weeks had passed and the nervousness that I was experiencing in his presence had begun to whither away, he actually made it easy with his whimsical personality. Trevor was not just funny he was easy on the eyes. He was average height, athletically built, light caramel complexion with delicious full lips who smelled like he belonged in a GQ magazine. Later on I discovered that his scent was from the blue container of shower-to-shower powder……

Cut me some slack …this teenage girl I did not have a bottle of Tom Ford on deck to compare the difference. Trevor was almost five years older than me. Eventually Desire was no longer the reason for my frequent visits. Trevor asked if I would like to go see a movie with him and of course I said yes. I remember spending half of a Saturday morning going through all the clothes Lauren left behind. I was trying to find the right outfit for my date with Trevor. I grabbed a pair of her dark blue Calvin Klein jeans, white tommy Hilfiger soft color shirt with a navy-blue trim around the collar, white high-top rebooks and you know your girl had to top it all off with the bangle earrings.

I did not care if they were no longer in style.

The movie theater was centered around some of the most well know seafood restaurants in Brooklyn. There was very little chance that you would go to see a movie and not stop for a bite to eat. we were movie buddies and neither of us could stand to miss a Marvel movie on the big screen. For the next few months we had grown fond of each other and began spending more and more time together. It reached a point where his mother would ask if I wanted to join her when she went out. His mom, little sister and I would go shopping together, go out to eat or simply go see some of her extended family. finally, I found consistency again and no drama, spending time laughing and enjoying Sunday dinners again.

There were five kids in total but on Sundays you would have thought there were fifteen people living in there. It was normal to see a large pan of macaroni and cheese, barbecue chicken, cabbage, rice and peas, with cornbread. It would be brewing on any given Sunday Like my mom use to do. Food was not the only thing going on in there. The music was loud. I would bet my last dollar that Mary J Blige album, specifically “What’s the 411?” would blow through the speakers. There was some alcohol involved and her preference was the great old imported beer Becks. If for whatever reason that was not available, she would settle for a Heineken. Trevor and his family became the ladder I needed to climb out of the tornado that had disrupted my life.

Several months had past and Trevor and I did not skip a beat. Things were beginning to look bright for me. He continued to be the jokester in the room while I continued to be his voice of reason. Our families had become acquainted by now. There were days that I would spend time with his mom and little sister while Trevor and my brother pulverized some young guys on the basketball court for a few hours.

School time was approaching, and my mom could not have been more proud of me. I was accepted into one of the best high schools in our district. In order to be accepted you had to pass the entry exam, grades had to be on point from my previous school year. Your girl made it! Things were falling into place.

When the school year began, I was eager to start and kick things off with a bang. I had an opportunity to join the dance team so I was elated. With all the positive things happening I decided to pick up my side hustle, braiding hair was a part time gig. After watching “Poetic Justice” all the girls had to have the braids Janet Jackson wore in the movie. It was the hottest hair style in that season.

My intentions were to use the additional money I earned to do something special for Trevor. I knew he took great pride in grooming himself and how he presented himself to the world, so I decided I would go to Macy’s and pick out a delicious scent to match my guy. After about thirty minutes in Macy’s, I realized I can only get what I could afford so Ralph Lauren it was. Turns out that he did have his eyes on Ralph Lauren’s cologne. He absolutely loved the gift. Mission accomplished.

Weeks passed, we spent more and more time together. We were becoming closer emotionally and spiritually. I guess it seemed like a fine time to add physical comfortability. Trevor thought it was time for us to take our relationship to the next level. As we laid in bed watching a movie at his house, he decided to make a move. What began as innocent kissing quickly led to holding each other tighter with each kiss. The kissing became more intense, so he decided to open my blouse.

By the time he made it to the third button, a rush of anxiety came over me and I told him to stop. After a few uncomfortable moments of silence, we just continued to watch television. It was the most awkward atmosphere I have ever been in. For the next few days, I thought it would be a good idea to visit Vanessa and the girls. We gathered in the little park to listen to music. We laughed, and caught up on the neighborhood gossip. Vanessa and Desire decided to get a few drinks to add to our little gathering.

So they went to the store to buy enough forty-ounce country clubs to keep the gossiping going. Couple of nights with the girls can cure anything. All the while in the back of my mind I continued to replay the scene from the other night with Trevor. I could not understand why I felt so anxious and flushed. I never imagined my first time being filled with so much anxiety. I guess I owed it to all the romantic movies I’ve seen growing up. While I took some time to process the feelings I was experiencing I noticed that Trevor too needed time to process his.

He was not hanging around as much; I guess both of us were dealing with the after math of that half intimate session. I allowed him the time he needed, as I took the time that I wanted to process my feelings. A few weeks had gone by and the energy between us was not the same. I felt Trevor slowly pulling away physically and emotionally. By week three I had enough and decided to sit with him to see if we could discuss what was happening between us. That conversation did not go the way I thought it would. He allowed me to express myself and to explain what I was feeling. When it was time for him to talk he let it all out.

“I always knew that being nearly five years older than you would be difficult, I will not pressure anyone to do anything they do not want to.”

He continued …

You were clearly uncomfortable, which confused me because we are never uncomfortable around each other.”

I had already detected that this was not going well by the sound of his voice.

“I think we should take a break to allow us to think about what we want”

….at this point I heard my heart beating. The difference between this tornado and the last one that changed my entire life was that the last one was more like a thief in the night. This one I could see happing in slow motion I started to see the last few months flash like photos in my mind and I could not breath.

Lucky Colter is a public speaker and featured writer on PR Now Magazine. She has already received over 1000 views collectively on her amazing Chapter Series "Broken Brooklyn"

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