I would be so bothered …
…at times full of overthinking, Grief …because you’re not here…
…anymore, deceit because all the time I wanted to believe that those who were for me were actually against me.
I would take time when I wanted to cry and sit by the water at night when the moonlight was there…
…and the Moonlight would reflect off the water,
…and when the waves would move the image was magic.
Sometimes it looked as if the lighting or something glowing onto the water or even underneath that WAS the magic.
I began to write things that I wanted to tell you and talk to you about…
…and even though I know I will never hear your voice again...
…I would take the note or letter and throw it into the SEA…
…and would always imagine that someone might read it or see my visions,
…or even take my visions and maybe turn them into reality…
…and I also figured that I would receive some type of magic from the reflection… of the moonlight off the water…
…and those waves transported the magic into me, and it would give me all the power of your words or even your actions and everything will all be figured out.
But most of them were notes to my Mother Mama.
I hear your voice when I want to give up, yea I know you didn’t raise no punk.
I’m never thinking about giving up on life. Sometimes I just want to give up on trying to make things work all the time; I don't even want to continue to write, which is something that I love so much.
I hear you although the people say it’s called schizoaffective…well that's what the doctors say.
I hear your voice mama telling me to get up. get up girl … Come on baby. You got this you will be fine.
It's ok. Dec 17, 2008, my son was shot eight times I heard your voice “Stop standing there looking crazy and get to the hospital I heard your voice the whole time I was beside him.
March 17, 2014, the day the NYPD cop shot at me. and I was moved and fell into the house I heard your voice then also.
Then those little pushes started to turn into full conversations always thinking about what my mom would do in this situation, but it was your voice that I had deep in my memory that is constantly telling me I’m here with you baby girl, I will protect you…
…and I strongly believe that.
When that COP shot at me that time only some other force could have prevented me from catching that bullet because he was too damn close to me…
…it was your voice and you that saved me.
We never know why someone had to leave but I know that there is another side and your voice is my spirit guide.
As I continue to sit by the water and when the weather is too cold now, I sit in the park under a tree and pray and call out your name and write my notes up for me on that horrible day that changed my life forever…
…this gives me comfort in writing my notes gives me joy and helps me heal, writing my notes to my mother, the pain of her physical absence, and then the memories that keep me going…
…now that I have my own family.
I mix up a little bit of you and me.
I'm creating my memories and traditions, and I tell them all the stories of you and the rest of the family.
I keep your name alive, and it’s your spirit and your voice that keeps me Alive.
Fatal
About the Writer
Since the early age of ten. I've participated in NAACP as a youth representative and also assisted with her grade school at PS 189 in Brooklyn. In the early '90s, I moved to Canarsie to Breukelen houses and became the recording secretary of their resident association, Chairperson of the DEP (Department of Environmental Program) from 1992-1993 (better known as the drug elimination program) and was a part of the Breukelen head start advisory council.
When there was a lack of access to youth programming, the Community Center desired a football team and extracurricular activities, so I organized with other parents to form a team called the Pop Warner football and cheerleading team Canarsie Conquerors. during that time, I became a certified Pee wee coach, and a Parent coordinator and implemented a program for etiquette classes for girls, scared straight for boys, and homework assistance. In 2008 I moved to Farragut Houses and I have participated as a member of the VIDA democratic club, and currently, a part of the ICAC intergenerational community arts council in Fort Greene sponsored and in partnership with BRIC Media Arts and University Settlement, and a member of lotus chapter #7 under the order of eastern stars / masonic brotherhood and during the height of the pandemic I volunteered with other residents to form Mutual aid groups in NYCHA and partner with the local MARP BID in distributing food to residents in NYCHA and the surrounding downtown Brooklyn area.
Follow Tanja Richardson on IG Tanja Ladyk Richardson (@fatal_star21)